Pursuing my dream is one of the scariest things I’ve ever done

I’m finally doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Finally, I’m following my purpose.

Taking this step was scary… But honestly – being in it, is waaaaay scarier!! Let’s be real: I have no clue what I’m doing. Every day I’m scrambling along, hoping no ones sees through my cluelessness. A classic case of impostor syndrome.

But mainly, I’m scared. Scared that now – now, when I’m finally doing “it” – I will fail. In my naivety I thought, the longer I’m doing “it” – the easier “it” will get. Turns out: the opposite is true. The more steps I take, the more I learn about the topic, the more people I get to know in this area, the better I understand the market, the more scared I get.

For me “it” is two things: a) starting a business and b) saving the planet. For you it might be a new project, a new career, a dream that you’re following.

I knew this would be hard. That I would have to figure things out along the way. That I would make mistakes. That I would have to solve problems without knowing how.

But I underestimated the difficulty of drowning out my inner voice shouting at me: “You’re delusional!”; “This will never work!”; “You’re just not that great.”

Suddenly, it’s up to me to make this a success. When it was still a distant dream – it was easy to tell myself, that I’ll succeed – why wouldn’t I? It was easy to say: “if it wasn’t for the system – I would succeed”; “if it wasn’t for the fact, that I need a stable income, I would …”; “if it wasn’t for whatever …”

But now: it’s real. And it’s hard.

And I’m scrambling.

And procrastinating. Distracting myself from the reality that I might really, actually fail. That all my efforts will be for nothing.

I’m secretly hoping some external force will end my project. At least then it wasn’t my failure. I can blame others, the world.

I find excuses for not making that phone call, not talking to that person, not writing that e-mail. I’m afraid of hearing my idea is nonsense.

It’s not a dream anymore. This is when I have to show what I’m made of. Now I have to prove that I can actually do what I kept talking about for so long.

The more I learn, the more I become aware of all the ways I could fail. The more progress I make, the closer I get to finding out I’m following a dead end.

I have no idea if I will ever succeed.

The thing that keeps me going is the fundamental truth, that I will forever regret if I don’t at least try. I know in my heart that I will not find peace unless I have tried every approach, looked at every angle and pursued every lead.

So I swallow my fear, my pride, my tears. And I keep trying. One day at a time.

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