I’m finally doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Finally, I’m following my purpose.
Taking this step was scary… But honestly – being in it, is waaaaay scarier!! Let’s be real: I have no clue what I’m doing. Every day I’m scrambling along, hoping no ones sees through my cluelessness. A classic case of impostor syndrome.
But mainly, I’m scared. Scared that now – now, when I’m finally doing “it” – I will fail. In my naivety I thought, the longer I’m doing “it” – the easier “it” will get. Turns out: the opposite is true. The more steps I take, the more I learn about the topic, the more people I get to know in this area, the better I understand the market, the more scared I get.
For me “it” is two things: a) starting a business and b) saving the planet. For you it might be a new project, a new career, a dream that you’re following.
I knew this would be hard. That I would have to figure things out along the way. That I would make mistakes. That I would have to solve problems without knowing how.
But I underestimated the difficulty of drowning out my inner voice shouting at me: “You’re delusional!”; “This will never work!”; “You’re just not that great.”
Suddenly, it’s up to me to make this a success. When it was still a distant dream – it was easy to tell myself, that I’ll succeed – why wouldn’t I? It was easy to say: “if it wasn’t for the system – I would succeed”; “if it wasn’t for the fact, that I need a stable income, I would …”; “if it wasn’t for whatever …”
But now: it’s real. And it’s hard.
And I’m scrambling.
And procrastinating. Distracting myself from the reality that I might really, actually fail. That all my efforts will be for nothing.
I’m secretly hoping some external force will end my project. At least then it wasn’t my failure. I can blame others, the world.
I find excuses for not making that phone call, not talking to that person, not writing that e-mail. I’m afraid of hearing my idea is nonsense.
It’s not a dream anymore. This is when I have to show what I’m made of. Now I have to prove that I can actually do what I kept talking about for so long.
The more I learn, the more I become aware of all the ways I could fail. The more progress I make, the closer I get to finding out I’m following a dead end.
I have no idea if I will ever succeed.
The thing that keeps me going is the fundamental truth, that I will forever regret if I don’t at least try. I know in my heart that I will not find peace unless I have tried every approach, looked at every angle and pursued every lead.
So I swallow my fear, my pride, my tears. And I keep trying. One day at a time.
